Cruelty to four legs

Dearest Poppy,
I will happily squash your two legs as soon as she arrives. I don't know how I will manage it, but I have plenty of time to think about it. I may be able to leap high enough to knock her over and then squash her. Or, if she is sitting on the floor, I can slide onto her lap. All I know is that it won't happen on the sofa, because I am no longer allowed up there. I snuck a few minutes up there while the male two legs was talking to the female two legs, but as soon as they noticed they yelled at me and pointed away from the sofa. I knew what I had to do even without the silly gesticulation. Why do they think they have to use their arms so much when they talk? And even more when they yell? I'm getting so tired of all the commands: sit, down, wait, focus, focus, focus, focus. How many times does one have to look the two legs in the eye before they stop yelling at you?
At least I haven't had to face a cold bum. I'm sure that's coming because I notice a change in the weather. Today it rained during my whole morning walk. I don't know what snow is, but thanks for the warning. I will try my best never to step foot on it. I'm sorry you must not be as cute as you used to be or your mum wouldn't be torturing you like this. I hope I stay as cute as I am now, although you are making me realize that maybe I am being tortured already and I just don't know it. What is "hot gravy" and why have I never heard of it when it sounds so good?!.  I also have never seen or heard of "radiator warmed towels" or "extra food"!!! How can I get some of that? Do I have to freeze to get it? That's an easy choice, I'm sure you agree.
I can't wait to get spoiled. Whatever that is? Nobody has said anything to me about a wedding.  I'll ask tonight.
All I know is that I am beginning to think that I would like to live with you. You are a lucky dog!
Please send me more instructions.
Licks all over,
Mugsy